kmadert19

I wrote this last year around this time
Autumn is just such a beautiful, sense-stimulating season
No wonder i just had to put pen to paper about it =P
Enjoy! -KM

Summer's end.
Or rather, a new beginning.
One of multi-colored, multi-sensory beauty.
No longer hot, not quite yet cold, but a blissful compromise.
Change is in the air, in the trees, all around.
Strolling down a quiet wooded lane, it becomes apparent almost instantly.
Long gone are the same old shades of green that adorn the trees during those long warm months.
They've been replaced with a random yet cohesively gorgeous smattering of oranges, yellows, browns, reds, all flowing together as one to create a veritable masterpiece in the leaves, one that not even Van Gogh or Monet could have imagined.
And they fall, oh! how they fall!
Even the slightest breeze rustling through the trees sends them floating towards the ground.
Creating a carpet that tantalizes the eye, they seem to pile up endlessly; multiple shades of multiple colors coating the ground beneath multiple feet.
Laughter echoes as countless children throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into carefully raked piles, throwing tornadoes of leaves skyward, watching them pirouette in the air.
The air itself is crisp, with a certain freshness to it,
And countless scents pique one's interest:
Fresh baked pie, a crackling bonfire, that indescribable odor that one can only experience through the emptying and carving of a pumpkin.
Scents that let you know fall is here to stay...at least for a while, anyway.
But as September fades into October, and October meanders into November,
The weather gets colder.
The days shorter.
The trees continue to grow more and more bare,
until the the familiar crunch of fallen leaves accompanies each footfall.
And on one of those late November evenings,
Your hands in your pockets, your breath hanging in the air,
Your face awash in the glow of a harvest moon peering out at you from just beyond the horizon,
You pause for a moment.
And a single word escapes your lips, hanging there for just the slightest instant before being blown away on the chilly autumn wind.
"Fall."

Have you ever felt this way?
I have =)


Everything I do is eternally for you,
My entire life I've known nothing so true.
My heart loudly pounds, my pulse starts to race,
At merely the thought of your beautiful face.

Knowing you're mine somehow isn't enough,
And I constantly worry you'll call on my bluff.
The dictionary's open, but I'd rather not,
Enough words don't exist to explain what I've got.

Beautiful as a word simply cannot apply,
Understand when i say angels don't always fly.
Realize you mean more than life, (and you do),
Know you're like oxygen, and know that it's true:
Everything i do is eternally for you.


-K.M.

THAT was interesting...
Oh yeah, by that i meant my run.
A couple of miles, through the woods.
Up some hills, down some others.
Nothing special really.
But i love running.
And when i first think about it, i really don't know why.
It's work, it's painful, it leaves me out of breath and sore, it tires me out...not at all components that make up a fun experience.
But then i think again, and things start to make a little bit more sense.

When you run, you're letting everything else go.

Forgetting that your cousin just died
or that your term paper is due tomorrow
or that your girlfriend just broke up with you
or that you really don't know what you want to do with your life.

None of that matters.

In fact, it becomes insignificant, meaningless.
All that matters is the task at hand.
A mile, two miles, 5k, half marathon...endless possibilities.
All you think about is the right now.
The next step, the next hill, the next mile, the next turn.
Everything is unequivocally in the moment.
The pain? it becomes forgettable,
pushed to the back of your mind.
There's no time to think about it.
Breathing takes a backseat,
your oxygen-deprived brain doesn't really mind.
Soreness becomes barely noticeable,
just a dull throbbing that you can't quite put your finger on.
Tired isn't even a word that your brain can comprehend at this point,
you're just pushing yourself as hard as you can to get through each and every second.


...In the heat of the moment, you aren't thinking about any of this, of course.
This is all retrospection, post-moment contemplation.
Nothing can truly describe how one feels in the middle of a brutal 5 mile nature run

Lungs screaming for air...

Mind on autopilot...

Body aching for respite...

Legs kicking into overdrive...

And maybe that's how it should be.
Anything that in the moment, in my opinion, should stay right there,
In the moment, where it belongs.

Maybe i'm just being crazy,
but the moral of this story is this:
Running is one of the few things one can do that is absolutely and undeniably freeing.
That completely severs one's earthy bonds, and allows one to transcend into a different place.
Where? who knows.
But, as anyone who has pushed themselves harder than they physically can go can tell you, it sure as hell isn't here.

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans" -John Lennon
Food for thought  =)
-K.M.

a few days ago i wrote this when i didn't know what to write about
isn't that funny? i wrote about not knowing what to write about
crazy...well tell me whatcha think.



There's nothing worse than having an
absolutely ridiculous amount of thoughts
and ideas locked up inside your head.
Floating around aimlessly, meandering
through the peripheral ether of your brain.
Thoughts that you really want to put down
in words, thoughts that you know are there,
thoughts that you know you're thinking.

AND YET

You don't know where to begin.
You can't discern one tangible strand
of your thought process, you're unable
to latch onto one solid idea that you
can use as a springboard, a starting point
of any kind to set some of these caged ideas free.

You're s t u c k in your own h e a d.

Infinitely running in infinite circles,
trying to figure out where to begin,
decide where to go, where your head is headed.
Trying to pinpoint a single piece of information,
hone in on what you feel you want.

When
          in reality
                          you have no idea what you're looking for.

Not only at a loss for how to begin...

...but even how to find a beginning.

Mind full / mind empty.
Thoughts concrete / thoughts abstract.
Ideas overflowing / ideas nonexistent.

Innumerable paradoxical contradictions,
attributed to a single phenomenon:
Writer's Block

what to write.
what...to...write.
ahhh its not that i have writers block. far from it.
i am actually so FULL to BURSTING with things to say that i cannot choose the correct union of words to fully and accurately describe and explain the feelings i currently...feel.
wow. that sentence was one big anticlimax.
aaaaanyway.

you know what i don't like?
LOVE.
not the kind you have for your parents. parents are legit.
they give you money and stuff and various tidbits of advice that at first glance appear absolutely unhelpful, but after a while sort of help a bit.
and not the kind of love between friends.
that's also legit love.
i mean full on relationships buying each other things staying on the phone to ridiculous hours of the night putting little less then signs and 3's next to their name whenever it appears in writing "i want to spend the rest of my life with you" love.
Yeah sure, its great when your in the heat of it.
that is when you're not busy sweating bullets hoping you don't do or say the wrong thing.
but i mean seriously, once you fall out of love, you realize that maybe the things you said were not meant.
sure, you probably meant them at the time. but what does that mean?
personally, i believe the definition of love (a strong positive emotion of regard and affection, thank you very much dictionary.com) is a very loose one.
pretty much, it means whatever you want it to mean.
so if you totally are "in love" with someone for a while, and then you break up and drift apart, and years later you look back and say "man, i didn't love him/her"
you're wrong. you most definitely did love that person very much
AT THE TIME.
your definition of love most likely changed between that relationship and now, because as you experience more things in life, realize more about yourself and others, etc etc you take a big red sharpie to that sentence you have in your mental dictionary next to the word LOVE and have your way with it.
that way its always up to date with how you feel about it, and that's why everyone looks at love differently, and why no one can tell you about love, because your dictionary may have a very different entry then theirs.


so my beef with love (ha, beef) is thus:
since the definition changes often and is rarely the same for anyone, how can you know if the things you say while "in love" (or even falling into love) mean anything?
because yeah sure maybe they meant something back then.
but are they worth anything even when your definition may have changed?
i just don't like how people can go from like "you're the only one who will ever truly have my heart" to "yeah it never could have worked between us" with one fell swoop of that damn mental sharpie.
i guess if i wanted there to be a point to this entry it would be
"hey! cant we come up with a universal definition for love? or at least make sure you don't say things you don't mean, just because your definitions got you all confused because you used wayyyy too much of that mental sharpie and now you're tripping mad balls on marker fumes?"
or something like that.
ha i really don't know what i'm trying to say, but i feel a lot better now that i've said whatever it was then i did when i started typing.
anyone want to toss their sharpie into my mental marker bin?
i will fully respect any and all thoughts.
BRING IT ON!!!

love*,
Kevin =]

Being new to things is always a fun experience...like a kid in a candy shop, you never really know what you're gonna get.
so dive right in i say! dive right in!
i'm not sure what i want to use this little "journal" for.
my thoughts? ideas? writing? just to mess around?
i'm sure whatever i decide will manifest itself at some point and i'll go off on a ridiculous tangent
left right up down center
who really knows?
ahhh i hope i don't make a fool of myself.

isn't that the worst?
that we as a race, by sheer virtue of human nature, have to be so god damned worried about what other people think?
that, to many people, what they do is only ok if everyone else thinks it is?
when, in reality, most people are so busy worrying about what other people think of THEM that there's no way they could really care about what you're doing.
and the inverse is true also, when there's those select people (read: assholes) who think that people give a shit about what they're doing. i'm doing it right now; who am i to think that anyone reading this really cares what i have to say? the information age has come at a great price, with things like blogs and social networking, and  the mother of them all, Twitter. we've been suckered in to thinking that the whole world cares everytime that "omg my dog had puppies" or "taking a showerrrr text plzzz".
it's kind of an amusing paradox
even as we feed our ever growing egos with this nexus of quasi-importance, we grow more and more aware and wary of those around us, and what they have to say.

so, i say, who gives a fuck?

who gives a fuck what other people say about you?
who gives a fuck what you have to say about me?
who gives a fuck what i have to say?
who i ask? who?

the better question is, who cares?
at the end of the day, you only have to answer to one person: yourself.
so don't let anyone tell you anything about how to live, who to be, what to do.
you know who needs to give a fuck?
you.

til next time
-K.M.